In Loving Memory of...

2010-08-11T17:20:00.002+08:00

Ache

I am afraid.

I am afraid to let go.

I am afraid to forget.

I am afraid I would forget your face, and the sound of your voice.

I am afraid I would forget your easy smile, and the way you light up the room just by walking into it.

I am afraid I would forget my big, strong brother, your magicky fingers and all that is about you.

I ache for the people who will never get to meet you. To know how good and kind a person you were.

I ache for the people who will never get to have their lives touched by you.

I ache for the people who might be the ones to touch your life too.

And I ache.......... for you, my big brother.

2010-01-24T14:21:00.000+08:00

Hey Big Brother

Happy Birthday.

We love you.

2009-04-16T15:59:00.002+08:00

Struck

I am suddenly struck with a bad case of missing you, kor.

We were at the Mandai Columbarium a month ago with gan-ma, and I suddenly had the urge to weep right in front of you. But I controlled it, because gan-ma was there and I didn't want to agitate her.

There are so few photos of you that I can find online, and I am terribly afraid to forget what you looked like, how you talked, how you laughed. I don't dare to ask gan-ma for more of your photos.

I'm afraid to forget how nice a person you were. I'm afraid to forget what we all lost that day you left.

I was just telling my boyfriend, Kenny, the other day, that you would've liked him and he would've liked you, you two had so much in common to talk about. I met him just a mere 10 months after you left. If only I had met him earlier, you would've liked him.

You were my motivation to push forward to get my class 2 license. My TP test is on the 28th of this month.

Kor, I'm sorry that I won't be able to keep my promise. I can't find your old bike, and even if I could I don't think I can lift it off its side-stand. I have to get something newer and lighter. But you're welcomed to pillon with me anytime you like.

.... Where are you? How have you been doing?

I miss you terribly. We all do.

2008-08-28T16:14:00.002+08:00

I Found This Online

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

2008-05-14T14:23:00.002+08:00

Evidently you left a lot behind

I recently found these online.

Does any of them still remember you, I wonder.

2008-04-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

Hi Big Brother

It's been a little over three years since you've been gone. We're all doing fine, in fact, we're going to be aunts and uncles soon when Zaiden and Chloe come, which should both be end of this month.

I've been bumbling around, but I've been doing good. Would've been better if you were here. Grandmama and Grandpapa are getting older, and Grandmama refuses to dye her hair anymore. Gan-ma has a fulfilling life with many things crammed into her days that even I have to make an appointment with her if I want to see her.

Everyone in the family has been doing good, and I know everyone misses you a lot. My mom, every time she knew I was going to see you at Mandai, she'd always ask me to bring along messages.

I kept my word, and I've always been riding with you. I know you're always nearby when I ride the fastest. When the wind rushes past me, I can almost hear you whisper faster... faster...
You've always loved the wind.

I've tried to find the place where you took me to the last time I saw you, but I couldn't find it. I know it is in Bishan park, but I've been there many times and couldn't find it. I still remember the CD that they were playing really loud when we were drinking. F.I.R's Fly Away.

I recently came across a couple of your riding photos online, and realized that other than the time you took me to drinking, I've never seen your passion before. Until I saw your group photo at PG, and a couple of you either beside your ZX-11 and in your helmet, I've never truly felt the urgent need to ride with you. To see you ride.

They say that time heals all wounds. What a load of bullshit. It still hurts as much inside as it did at the funeral three years ago. The memories are still as fresh, the stinging is still as deep.

I can still taste the ashes. I can still feel the tears.

I can still feel the wind in my hair...

2008-01-24T18:53:00.000+08:00

Happy 28th Birthday, kor

I still miss you everyday.

2006-11-21T14:30:00.000+08:00

Another Anniversary

Only this wasn't even supposed to be remotely happy.

Happy 2nd Anniversary brother. We love you.

2005-08-29T00:12:00.000+08:00

Why is it that people feel impelled to do something on purpose knowing full well that it'd hurt? Take me for instance.

Every single time I listen to Cai Chun Jia's "Hu Die" I kind of start crying until I sob myself to sleep at night. And yet now, I am listening to it over and over again.

Wondering what's the story? Let me fill you in.

This song came out just before ah Yang korkor passed away, and I only got to hear it in the ending of a television serial some time AFTER the funeral. I only heard about two verses in the chorus before I started sobbing again. I was still very, very sore after the funeral.

I could still remember the scene...

3am. The phone rings. It's dad.

"Ah mei, do you want to see ah Yang korkor?"

Excited. I've haven't seen him for a long time. The last time I saw him we were drinking beer at Bishan Park.

"Yes, of course I want to see him! Where is he?"

"He's dead."

"You're not.. haha, that was funny dad, but where is he?"

Dad starts to sob.

"He's DEAD! Come to so-and-so hospital if you want to see him one last time."

Click. The phone went dead.

Panic. Mad rush for clothes and wallet. Slamming the door. Sprinting out to the road. Hyperventilating in the cab. This couldn't be.. could it? My sturdy, big, strong ah Yang korkor.. dead? No!

Reaching the hospital, I make a mad dash for the A&E. Hopefully dad's only trying to scare me into hurrying. Where is everybody? Why aren't they here? There weren't even any nurses around for me to question.

Some guy came along. Looks familiar. He looks like he's been crying. He took one look at my red puffy eyes and trembling hands and started dragging me. I start to protest but stopped as soon as I saw where we were.

The Mortuary.

There was an eerie sense of comfort, yet a chill in my bones that I can't quite shake off till today.

Grandma and Grandpa and pretty much most of the family were there. Dad saw me and tried to drag me into the mortuary but I didn't dare, I didn't dare to look at the lifeless body that I knew was my god-brother.

I grew up with him, so I've always thought of him as close as a brother to me. That day I lost him, I lost it. I went ballistic, screaming and thrashing about as dad tried to drag me in to see him as he was one last time.

Ok, inspiration gone, so you'll just have to catch the rest of the story here --> http://ahyangz.blogspot.com/ . Read from the bottom post up, that'll be the first post. Feel free to leave a message, I'll always be watching.

Well, I can see that I'm going slightly off-topic here, so back to the song part.

Here are the lyrics of the song. You have to change to unicode encoding to read this. Or better yet, download the song (or get it from me) and listen to it yourself.

蝴蝶

(o.s:如果蝴蝶会唱歌那会是悲伤的吗
如果晚上想念你你会听见吗
我看见你微笑的脸只是有一点模糊可能是眼泪吧)

你象蝴蝶飞离我的世界
我看不见你美丽的脸
眼泪流成河你还是学不会
不会飞

你象蝴蝶采回我的时间
当我学会感动和感谢
我不停唱你还是听不见
听不见我想说的话
你再也无法笑着回答

你现在的另一个家
有没有会唱歌的月光
是不是下雪会出太阳
会不会你还是想家
我在这里还陪着你呼吸
我看着你以为只是去散心

Gawd, this directly portrays my feelings after the funeral.

It's getting kind of blur for me to write anymore. Maybe it's just tears.

2005-05-06T22:41:00.000+08:00

Cause of death: Congestive Cardinal Failure consistant with obesity. In short, blocked blood vessel causing heart failure.

You came to me in my dreams again.

No, you did not come. You just appeared mysteriously in the midst of the chaos that was my dream.

You came back.

Everyone was so happy that you came back. They fussed all over you and crowded all around you as you entered through the door. You were wearing something sleeveless and I could clearly see the birthmark on your arm.

You've gotten so thin.

As they clustered around you, you stared at me, not speaking a word. It was as if you wanted me to go over to you too. But I couldn't. There were too many people around you.

It was as if you've just been on a holiday for a long, long time a long, long way away.

Is it really you?

What was that in your eyes? Why do they look so lifeless?

Where are you now?

Please tell me where.. Everyday I wonder where've you gone.

A sudden attack of reminisce every couple of days left me yearning to see you. I cry my heart out at night by the reservoir but you're still not back.

Have you finally come back?

2005-01-13T15:33:00.000+08:00

For peeps new to this blog, FYI, this is a blog made for a special person named Woo Kwong Yang, who passed away 12th of November 2004 due to respiratory problems.

Well, I've changed the skin of this blog (I've in fact changed all three skins of my blogs) and here we are.

Somehow I feel that this is more appropriate.

To tell you the truth, I've dreamt of him. Four times.

The first time I dreamt of him I woke up crying. He looked so far away and everytime I went closer, it turned out to be someone else. It happened a few times in a row. He looked at me in a melancholic way as if he had something to say but couldn't.

The second and third time occurred with his bike (or my bike, so to speak). And the forth, we had dinner at grandma's.

I keep thinking of him at night before I sleep. Wishing that everything was a horrible nightmare, and forcing myself once again to relieve the events following his passing. Why?

This blog isn't made for his friends tho'. I selfishly made this blog so that I would never forget him. So that I would remember him, remember this pain because it feels so real. This isn't a dream.

A few times when I was walking alone outside, I saw visions of him. I couldn't believe my eyes. But when I ran forwards to hug him, the vision vanished. I ended up hugging myself and kneeling on the floor crying.

Why?! Why wasn't I the one to go instead of him? Why?!

2004-11-16T23:48:00.000+08:00

kor..

I saw you again today, at the crematorium.

I touched you one last time, to put your ashes into the marble urn.

The priest/master poured the rest of you into the urn, and he had to squeeze you in because there was so much left of you.

Did it hurt when he crushed you? I saw the metal keyring of the duckie YuQi jiejie put into your coffin. Do you have that duckie with you now?

There was a huge spider on the cupboard behind Jonathan. Was that you with us?

I carried the marble urn all the way to your final resting place. Leeling jiejie carried the umbrella up high because you were taller and bigger sized than both of us.

When we walked past god-pa's plaque I tried not to cry. I tried to hold the tears in but I couldn't help thinking that this shouldn't be the way your father meets you. The master placed you into a tiny space just enough for your urn, and sealed up the plaque.

I promised you not to cry, but all of a sudden a tear or two just fell from my eyes while the master was chanting. Why? Why did you have to go?

Why?

YuQi jiejie was there too, I saw her praying to your dad. You were placed just a few rows from your father.

We burned more joss papers for you, and we even threw in the umbrella. Leeling jiejie poured you the entire bottle of rice wine when we were done.

Kor, I didn't cry much today. I tried hard not to. Whenever I felt a lump coming up my throat, I swallowed hard and wished the tears away. But I couldn't help breaking down when I read the blog of one of your friends.

She showed me a little more about you, and she reminded me of how I was in denial at your funeral. She reminded me of how painfully little people cared. Only a handful of your friends were there for you. And not even a single cousin was there to pray for you today as well. I was the only one.

An internet friend of mine told me that you'd be heartbroken to see me crying like that. That made me cry even more. Are you watching over me now? Can you see me crying? Do you know how much I miss you?

Kor.. if you could see this.. I miss you..

2004-11-14T23:56:00.000+08:00

You were cremated today. Everyone cried and wept while we were performing the rituals before they brought your body away.

YuQi jie jie was crying inconsolably, so I went over to comfort her. She was crying so hard, she made me cry too.

I couldn't help crying again when we followed behind the van containing your body. Lee ling jie jie was sobbing uncontrollably and begging you not to go, and everyone else was trying to console her while they were crying themselves. When we were about to reach the main road, the uncles told us we had to go back to the buses. I didn't want to leave you, kor, but they forced me away. I sat at the front seat of the van and carried your urn.

At the crematorium, we put flowers atop of your coffin. They were to signify our best wishes and to tell you that we'll be missing you always. Then we were hustled into a room overlooking a large platform below.

When your coffin appeared, everyone started hollering your name. I yelled as loud as I could, did you hear me? When the machine lowered the coffin on another machine, everyone started panicking and screaming. I screamed too, I didn't want them to hurt your body, but a cousin of yours told me that it was best to let you go.

I screamed all the way when the machine advanced towards the burner. I hollered until my voice grew hoarse, but I wasn't heard much over the screams of the others surrounding me. When your coffin was pushed into the burner and the doors were closed, I blacked out.

My ah yang kor kor's body is being burned.

You're not coming back forever.

I still miss you kor.

2004-11-13T03:16:00.000+08:00

In Loving Memory of Woo Kwong Yang, aged 24

24/01/1980 - 12/11/2004

You left us too soon, it seemed.
There were so many things you've not done.
You were a great friend, an amazing brother, and a vital member in our family gatherings.
We miss you so much.

You promised to help me choose my first bike when I get my license
But you're gone too soon...
I've got your helmet here with me, so that you'll always be with me when I ride.
I'll bring you a picture of my first bike when I visit,
I'll build you a kawasaki ZX-11 model bike,
I'd do anything... If only you were here...

Why? Why did you have to leave us so soon?
Is it because that you're too perfect that there's nothing more for you to learn in life?
Why?
You were so young.. so full of hopes and dreams...
I can't help it. I can't stem the tears..

When dad called me that day, I thought he was joking. Then when I arrived at the hospital, I thought the entire family was joking. When I saw you the next day, I thought you were sleeping. I wanted to wake you up, to show the others that you were just kidding around, but the uncles wouldn't let me touch you. They made me go through the rites of washing your face, and everyone wept.

Why did they cry? They made me cry too..

Godmum told me that you had sudden breathing difficulties in your sleep. They couldn't do anything but watch you go... Why? You were so healthy and fit, then all of a sudden you....? It's all too sudden.

I still can't believe that you're gone.

Last night while I was in bed, I wished and wished and wished with all my might that this was all a dream. I wished that when I woke up tomorrow you'd come barging in and asking me if I wanted breakfast.

I still can't believe... .. ... ..

I miss you so much, dear brother. I wish there was something I could do to bring you back. I still believed it was all a joke until I saw all your friends weeping at your coffin. Then, it hit me hard, really hard.. .. .. you're really gone forever.

They said I was the only one who could carry your urn. The kids thought this a glory. I don't want this kind of glory. I don't want anymore glories in my life if only I could get you back. We still have so much to talk about, catch up on. You used to be able to lift me with just one hand. I couldn't even lift your hand if you didn't want me to. Now all it takes it just two hands to protect and a little bit of strength to hold you up lightly, I could walk a few blocks with you in my arms.

I carried you all throughout the rituals, and I couldn't help the tears streaming everytime I think of my big sturdy brother in my arms. I couldn't help the tears everytime I saw your picture behind the urn. I couldn't help the tears everytime I think of that night at bishan, where we chatted over beer and got to know each other all over again.

I want you back so bad.. I'm even willing to hear your ernie-like snicker again. To hear you yell "ma! I'm hungry!" after you wake up in the afternoon.

Now that you're gone, life still goes on for everyone. But kor, I believe one day we shall meet again. We shall meet up and have a nice long chat over a few beers and go cruising on our bikes. In the meantime, we'll just have to wait for that day to come. Or at least, I'm willing to wait.

I miss you.