Struck


I am suddenly struck with a bad case of missing you, kor.

We were at the Mandai Columbarium a month ago with gan-ma, and I suddenly had the urge to weep right in front of you. But I controlled it, because gan-ma was there and I didn't want to agitate her.

There are so few photos of you that I can find online, and I am terribly afraid to forget what you looked like, how you talked, how you laughed. I don't dare to ask gan-ma for more of your photos.

I'm afraid to forget how nice a person you were. I'm afraid to forget what we all lost that day you left.

I was just telling my boyfriend, Kenny, the other day, that you would've liked him and he would've liked you, you two had so much in common to talk about. I met him just a mere 10 months after you left. If only I had met him earlier, you would've liked him.

You were my motivation to push forward to get my class 2 license. My TP test is on the 28th of this month.

Kor, I'm sorry that I won't be able to keep my promise. I can't find your old bike, and even if I could I don't think I can lift it off its side-stand. I have to get something newer and lighter. But you're welcomed to pillon with me anytime you like.

.... Where are you? How have you been doing?

I miss you terribly. We all do.

I Found This Online

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Evidently you left a lot behind


I recently found these online.











Does any of them still remember you, I wonder.

Hi Big Brother


It's been a little over three years since you've been gone. We're all doing fine, in fact, we're going to be aunts and uncles soon when Zaiden and Chloe come, which should both be end of this month.

I've been bumbling around, but I've been doing good. Would've been better if you were here. Grandmama and Grandpapa are getting older, and Grandmama refuses to dye her hair anymore. Gan-ma has a fulfilling life with many things crammed into her days that even I have to make an appointment with her if I want to see her.

Everyone in the family has been doing good, and I know everyone misses you a lot. My mom, every time she knew I was going to see you at Mandai, she'd always ask me to bring along messages.

I kept my word, and I've always been riding with you. I know you're always nearby when I ride the fastest. When the wind rushes past me, I can almost hear you whisper faster... faster...
You've always loved the wind.

I've tried to find the place where you took me to the last time I saw you, but I couldn't find it. I know it is in Bishan park, but I've been there many times and couldn't find it. I still remember the CD that they were playing really loud when we were drinking. F.I.R's Fly Away.



I recently came across a couple of your riding photos online, and realized that other than the time you took me to drinking, I've never seen your passion before. Until I saw your group photo at PG, and a couple of you either beside your ZX-11 and in your helmet, I've never truly felt the urgent need to ride with you. To see you ride.

They say that time heals all wounds. What a load of bullshit. It still hurts as much inside as it did at the funeral three years ago. The memories are still as fresh, the stinging is still as deep.

I can still taste the ashes. I can still feel the tears.

I can still feel the wind in my hair...

Happy 28th Birthday, kor



I still miss you everyday.

Another Anniversary


Only this wasn't even supposed to be remotely happy.



Happy 2nd Anniversary brother. We love you.

Why is it that people feel impelled to do something on purpose knowing full well that it'd hurt? Take me for instance.

Every single time I listen to Cai Chun Jia's "Hu Die" I kind of start crying until I sob myself to sleep at night. And yet now, I am listening to it over and over again.

Wondering what's the story? Let me fill you in.

This song came out just before ah Yang korkor passed away, and I only got to hear it in the ending of a television serial some time AFTER the funeral. I only heard about two verses in the chorus before I started sobbing again. I was still very, very sore after the funeral.

I could still remember the scene...

3am. The phone rings. It's dad.

"Ah mei, do you want to see ah Yang korkor?"

Excited. I've haven't seen him for a long time. The last time I saw him we were drinking beer at Bishan Park.

"Yes, of course I want to see him! Where is he?"

"He's dead."

"You're not.. haha, that was funny dad, but where is he?"

Dad starts to sob.

"He's DEAD! Come to so-and-so hospital if you want to see him one last time."

Click. The phone went dead.

Panic. Mad rush for clothes and wallet. Slamming the door. Sprinting out to the road. Hyperventilating in the cab. This couldn't be.. could it? My sturdy, big, strong ah Yang korkor.. dead? No!

Reaching the hospital, I make a mad dash for the A&E. Hopefully dad's only trying to scare me into hurrying. Where is everybody? Why aren't they here? There weren't even any nurses around for me to question.

Some guy came along. Looks familiar. He looks like he's been crying. He took one look at my red puffy eyes and trembling hands and started dragging me. I start to protest but stopped as soon as I saw where we were.

The Mortuary.

There was an eerie sense of comfort, yet a chill in my bones that I can't quite shake off till today.

Grandma and Grandpa and pretty much most of the family were there. Dad saw me and tried to drag me into the mortuary but I didn't dare, I didn't dare to look at the lifeless body that I knew was my god-brother.

I grew up with him, so I've always thought of him as close as a brother to me. That day I lost him, I lost it. I went ballistic, screaming and thrashing about as dad tried to drag me in to see him as he was one last time.

Ok, inspiration gone, so you'll just have to catch the rest of the story here --> http://ahyangz.blogspot.com/ . Read from the bottom post up, that'll be the first post. Feel free to leave a message, I'll always be watching.

Well, I can see that I'm going slightly off-topic here, so back to the song part.

Here are the lyrics of the song. You have to change to unicode encoding to read this. Or better yet, download the song (or get it from me) and listen to it yourself.

蝴蝶

(o.s:如果蝴蝶会唱歌 那会是悲伤的吗
如果晚上想念你 你会听见吗
我看见你微笑的脸 只是有一点模糊 可能是眼泪吧)

你象蝴蝶飞离我的世界
我看不见你美丽的脸
眼泪流成河你还是学不会
不会飞

你象蝴蝶采回我的时间
当我学会感动和感谢
我不停唱你还是听不见
听不见 我想说的话
你再也无法笑着回答

你现在的另一个家
有没有会唱歌的月光
是不是下雪会出太阳
会不会你还是想家
我在这里 还陪着你呼吸
我看着你 以为只是去散心

Gawd, this directly portrays my feelings after the funeral.

It's getting kind of blur for me to write anymore. Maybe it's just tears.