Why is it that people feel impelled to do something on purpose knowing full well that it'd hurt? Take me for instance.

Every single time I listen to Cai Chun Jia's "Hu Die" I kind of start crying until I sob myself to sleep at night. And yet now, I am listening to it over and over again.

Wondering what's the story? Let me fill you in.

This song came out just before ah Yang korkor passed away, and I only got to hear it in the ending of a television serial some time AFTER the funeral. I only heard about two verses in the chorus before I started sobbing again. I was still very, very sore after the funeral.

I could still remember the scene...

3am. The phone rings. It's dad.

"Ah mei, do you want to see ah Yang korkor?"

Excited. I've haven't seen him for a long time. The last time I saw him we were drinking beer at Bishan Park.

"Yes, of course I want to see him! Where is he?"

"He's dead."

"You're not.. haha, that was funny dad, but where is he?"

Dad starts to sob.

"He's DEAD! Come to so-and-so hospital if you want to see him one last time."

Click. The phone went dead.

Panic. Mad rush for clothes and wallet. Slamming the door. Sprinting out to the road. Hyperventilating in the cab. This couldn't be.. could it? My sturdy, big, strong ah Yang korkor.. dead? No!

Reaching the hospital, I make a mad dash for the A&E. Hopefully dad's only trying to scare me into hurrying. Where is everybody? Why aren't they here? There weren't even any nurses around for me to question.

Some guy came along. Looks familiar. He looks like he's been crying. He took one look at my red puffy eyes and trembling hands and started dragging me. I start to protest but stopped as soon as I saw where we were.

The Mortuary.

There was an eerie sense of comfort, yet a chill in my bones that I can't quite shake off till today.

Grandma and Grandpa and pretty much most of the family were there. Dad saw me and tried to drag me into the mortuary but I didn't dare, I didn't dare to look at the lifeless body that I knew was my god-brother.

I grew up with him, so I've always thought of him as close as a brother to me. That day I lost him, I lost it. I went ballistic, screaming and thrashing about as dad tried to drag me in to see him as he was one last time.

Ok, inspiration gone, so you'll just have to catch the rest of the story here --> http://ahyangz.blogspot.com/ . Read from the bottom post up, that'll be the first post. Feel free to leave a message, I'll always be watching.

Well, I can see that I'm going slightly off-topic here, so back to the song part.

Here are the lyrics of the song. You have to change to unicode encoding to read this. Or better yet, download the song (or get it from me) and listen to it yourself.

蝴蝶

(o.s:如果蝴蝶会唱歌 那会是悲伤的吗
如果晚上想念你 你会听见吗
我看见你微笑的脸 只是有一点模糊 可能是眼泪吧)

你象蝴蝶飞离我的世界
我看不见你美丽的脸
眼泪流成河你还是学不会
不会飞

你象蝴蝶采回我的时间
当我学会感动和感谢
我不停唱你还是听不见
听不见 我想说的话
你再也无法笑着回答

你现在的另一个家
有没有会唱歌的月光
是不是下雪会出太阳
会不会你还是想家
我在这里 还陪着你呼吸
我看着你 以为只是去散心

Gawd, this directly portrays my feelings after the funeral.

It's getting kind of blur for me to write anymore. Maybe it's just tears.