kor..

I saw you again today, at the crematorium.

I touched you one last time, to put your ashes into the marble urn.

The priest/master poured the rest of you into the urn, and he had to squeeze you in because there was so much left of you.

Did it hurt when he crushed you? I saw the metal keyring of the duckie YuQi jiejie put into your coffin. Do you have that duckie with you now?

There was a huge spider on the cupboard behind Jonathan. Was that you with us?

I carried the marble urn all the way to your final resting place. Leeling jiejie carried the umbrella up high because you were taller and bigger sized than both of us.

When we walked past god-pa's plaque I tried not to cry. I tried to hold the tears in but I couldn't help thinking that this shouldn't be the way your father meets you. The master placed you into a tiny space just enough for your urn, and sealed up the plaque.

I promised you not to cry, but all of a sudden a tear or two just fell from my eyes while the master was chanting. Why? Why did you have to go?

Why?

YuQi jiejie was there too, I saw her praying to your dad. You were placed just a few rows from your father.

We burned more joss papers for you, and we even threw in the umbrella. Leeling jiejie poured you the entire bottle of rice wine when we were done.

Kor, I didn't cry much today. I tried hard not to. Whenever I felt a lump coming up my throat, I swallowed hard and wished the tears away. But I couldn't help breaking down when I read the blog of one of your friends.

She showed me a little more about you, and she reminded me of how I was in denial at your funeral. She reminded me of how painfully little people cared. Only a handful of your friends were there for you. And not even a single cousin was there to pray for you today as well. I was the only one.

An internet friend of mine told me that you'd be heartbroken to see me crying like that. That made me cry even more. Are you watching over me now? Can you see me crying? Do you know how much I miss you?

Kor.. if you could see this.. I miss you..

You were cremated today. Everyone cried and wept while we were performing the rituals before they brought your body away.

YuQi jie jie was crying inconsolably, so I went over to comfort her. She was crying so hard, she made me cry too.

I couldn't help crying again when we followed behind the van containing your body. Lee ling jie jie was sobbing uncontrollably and begging you not to go, and everyone else was trying to console her while they were crying themselves. When we were about to reach the main road, the uncles told us we had to go back to the buses. I didn't want to leave you, kor, but they forced me away. I sat at the front seat of the van and carried your urn.

At the crematorium, we put flowers atop of your coffin. They were to signify our best wishes and to tell you that we'll be missing you always. Then we were hustled into a room overlooking a large platform below.

When your coffin appeared, everyone started hollering your name. I yelled as loud as I could, did you hear me? When the machine lowered the coffin on another machine, everyone started panicking and screaming. I screamed too, I didn't want them to hurt your body, but a cousin of yours told me that it was best to let you go.

I screamed all the way when the machine advanced towards the burner. I hollered until my voice grew hoarse, but I wasn't heard much over the screams of the others surrounding me. When your coffin was pushed into the burner and the doors were closed, I blacked out.

My ah yang kor kor's body is being burned.

You're not coming back forever.

I still miss you kor.

In Loving Memory of Woo Kwong Yang, aged 24







24/01/1980 - 12/11/2004


You left us too soon, it seemed.
There were so many things you've not done.
You were a great friend, an amazing brother, and a vital member in our family gatherings.
We miss you so much.

You promised to help me choose my first bike when I get my license
But you're gone too soon...
I've got your helmet here with me, so that you'll always be with me when I ride.
I'll bring you a picture of my first bike when I visit,
I'll build you a kawasaki ZX-11 model bike,
I'd do anything... If only you were here...

Why? Why did you have to leave us so soon?
Is it because that you're too perfect that there's nothing more for you to learn in life?
Why?
You were so young.. so full of hopes and dreams...
I can't help it. I can't stem the tears..

When dad called me that day, I thought he was joking. Then when I arrived at the hospital, I thought the entire family was joking. When I saw you the next day, I thought you were sleeping. I wanted to wake you up, to show the others that you were just kidding around, but the uncles wouldn't let me touch you. They made me go through the rites of washing your face, and everyone wept.

Why did they cry? They made me cry too..

Godmum told me that you had sudden breathing difficulties in your sleep. They couldn't do anything but watch you go... Why? You were so healthy and fit, then all of a sudden you....? It's all too sudden.

I still can't believe that you're gone.

Last night while I was in bed, I wished and wished and wished with all my might that this was all a dream. I wished that when I woke up tomorrow you'd come barging in and asking me if I wanted breakfast.

I still can't believe... .. ... ..

I miss you so much, dear brother. I wish there was something I could do to bring you back. I still believed it was all a joke until I saw all your friends weeping at your coffin. Then, it hit me hard, really hard.. .. .. you're really gone forever.

They said I was the only one who could carry your urn. The kids thought this a glory. I don't want this kind of glory. I don't want anymore glories in my life if only I could get you back. We still have so much to talk about, catch up on. You used to be able to lift me with just one hand. I couldn't even lift your hand if you didn't want me to. Now all it takes it just two hands to protect and a little bit of strength to hold you up lightly, I could walk a few blocks with you in my arms.

I carried you all throughout the rituals, and I couldn't help the tears streaming everytime I think of my big sturdy brother in my arms. I couldn't help the tears everytime I saw your picture behind the urn. I couldn't help the tears everytime I think of that night at bishan, where we chatted over beer and got to know each other all over again.

I want you back so bad.. I'm even willing to hear your ernie-like snicker again. To hear you yell "ma! I'm hungry!" after you wake up in the afternoon.

Now that you're gone, life still goes on for everyone. But kor, I believe one day we shall meet again. We shall meet up and have a nice long chat over a few beers and go cruising on our bikes. In the meantime, we'll just have to wait for that day to come. Or at least, I'm willing to wait.

I miss you.