kor..

I saw you again today, at the crematorium.

I touched you one last time, to put your ashes into the marble urn.

The priest/master poured the rest of you into the urn, and he had to squeeze you in because there was so much left of you.

Did it hurt when he crushed you? I saw the metal keyring of the duckie YuQi jiejie put into your coffin. Do you have that duckie with you now?

There was a huge spider on the cupboard behind Jonathan. Was that you with us?

I carried the marble urn all the way to your final resting place. Leeling jiejie carried the umbrella up high because you were taller and bigger sized than both of us.

When we walked past god-pa's plaque I tried not to cry. I tried to hold the tears in but I couldn't help thinking that this shouldn't be the way your father meets you. The master placed you into a tiny space just enough for your urn, and sealed up the plaque.

I promised you not to cry, but all of a sudden a tear or two just fell from my eyes while the master was chanting. Why? Why did you have to go?

Why?

YuQi jiejie was there too, I saw her praying to your dad. You were placed just a few rows from your father.

We burned more joss papers for you, and we even threw in the umbrella. Leeling jiejie poured you the entire bottle of rice wine when we were done.

Kor, I didn't cry much today. I tried hard not to. Whenever I felt a lump coming up my throat, I swallowed hard and wished the tears away. But I couldn't help breaking down when I read the blog of one of your friends.

She showed me a little more about you, and she reminded me of how I was in denial at your funeral. She reminded me of how painfully little people cared. Only a handful of your friends were there for you. And not even a single cousin was there to pray for you today as well. I was the only one.

An internet friend of mine told me that you'd be heartbroken to see me crying like that. That made me cry even more. Are you watching over me now? Can you see me crying? Do you know how much I miss you?

Kor.. if you could see this.. I miss you..